“Immediately upon diagnosis, folks often feel a great deal of embarrassment and anger. They may also feel sadness and fear that no one will want them in the future,” says Lindsay Henderson, PsyD, a psychologist based in Pittsford, New York, and the director of psychological services for LiveHealth Online. “There is a stigma around any sexually transmitted disease, including herpes.” Research shows that the biggest fears for most people who have genital herpes include the fear of giving the disease to partners and discussing their herpes as they form new relationships, according to H. Hunter Handsfield, MD, a professor emeritus at the University of Washington Center for AIDS and STD in Seattle. Still, herpes experts stress that the illness is remarkably common. For this reason, says Dr. Henderson, stigma around the illness is likely to fade over time. “Lots of adults with more than one partner in their life do end up with a sexually transmitted infection, whether it is herpes or some sort of HPV [human papillomavirus] or another one,” says Henderson. Here are tips to help you stay calm while you deal with all the thoughts and feelings that a herpes diagnosis can bring. Before discussing herpes with a partner, learn the facts yourself. “Really educate yourself as much as you can so you can help your partner or potential partner to understand,” says Henderson. “Knowledge is power, and it supports your emotional power.” Dr. Handsfield agrees. “Herpes has a tremendous psychological overlay,” he says, “but knowledge about the disease can reduce that.” See a medical professional. To get your facts straight, speak with a doctor or other healthcare practitioner. “You can do internet research for general background information,” says Henderson, “but talking with a medical professional can make a world of difference. A doctor can tell you what is going on with you specifically, and also be empathetic.” If you don’t have your own physician, visit a Planned Parenthood Center or a community health center. You can find low-cost or free healthcare at these centers, depending on your income. Understand that everyone experiences herpes differently. The kinds of steps you will need to take to protect your own health and the health of your sex partners will vary with your lifestyle, habits, and circumstances. A sexually active person with many partners may need to take different steps than a person in a long-term, monogamous relationship. For the best protection against giving another person the virus, says Handsfield, you would have to do three things:
First, avoid sex during outbreaks.Second, use condoms regularly.Third, take antiviral drugs.
Some committed couples choose one but not necessarily all of the above strategies, says Handsfield. “Many couples go through a relationship for years; the risk of transmission is never zero, but it can be minimized,” he says. Importantly, the state of your partner’s health affects their level of risk for getting genital herpes from you, says I. Cori Baill, MD, an obstetrician-gynecologist and an associate professor at the University of Central Florida College of Medicine in Orlando. “Some people are on biologics [medications] for rheumatoid arthritis, multiple sclerosis, or psoriasis,” she says. If they have a partner with active herpes, they are more likely to be susceptible to getting the infection than a healthy person who is not taking those drugs. Collect yourself emotionally before speaking with others. Once you have a good understanding of your medical situation, you are almost ready to discuss the topic with a potential or current partner. But take some time to get centered emotionally so you can convey to the other person that herpes is something the two of you can deal with together. “You want to appear calm and confident, not shameful and traumatized. That way you help the other person to feel calm and comfortable too,” says Henderson. Discuss having genital herpes before having sex with a partner. “It’s really important that you talk about this before you engage in any activities where you might transmit the infection,” says Henderson. At the same time, Henderson says that you need to have some confidence in the other person’s basic decency. “There has to be some sort of trust built up in that relationship before you talk about this, because if the conversation does lead to a point of rejection, you want to be confident that the person will still respect you despite their choice not to have a relationship,” she says. “While no one needs to feel ashamed of having herpes, it still doesn’t mean that you want it on social media or spread in a disrespectful way,” Henderson says. Keep any rejection that occurs in perspective. “The right person will know that herpes is not a deal-breaker,” says Henderson, “They will be able to work with you, get over it, and accept it.” If someone cannot deal with it, then they may not be the right person for you, she says. Give yourself credit for being honest with partners. “Feel empowered as a strong person who doesn’t turn a blind eye to STDs,” says Henderson. “You are somebody who is truly making a difference in advancing great sexual health, opening up the conversation, and reducing stigma.” If you have a committed partner, think about seeing a healthcare provider together. To ensure that you and your partner both get your facts straight about herpes, have an appointment together, suggests Dr. Baill.
Herpes: It’s Not the End of the World
By taking the steps outlined above, you will have the knowledge, composure, and confidence you need to discuss herpes with your partner or partners. You will be able to cope calmly, stay as healthy as possible, and protect the health of anyone with whom you have intimate contact. As Handsfield says, “I am not telling anyone to look forward to having genital herpes, but if it happens, it is generally not the end of the world.”
